I was recently in love with a magnificent man. He was everything that fantasies were made of. He was brave and charismatic and dependable and devoted and strong and well you get the idea.
Unfortunately, I was not his fairy tale princess. At some point he decided that our relationship was no longer worth investing in, so he left. Although it felt abrupt I highly doubt that it was. He had been thinking about it for some time and then said goodbye.
As painful as it was I couldn’t stay angry with him. He had never treated me badly or wrongly or hurtful. A real stand up guy. Of course I railed against the Universe for the unfairness of it all. I had waited almost a decade to fall in love again and then to lose it. I refused to accept that sometimes things just end.
As time has moved away from the “incident” I am beginning to see that this was just for a season. This love affair helped me become a stronger person. It taught me that I could love again. But mostly that there are no guarantees in this love thing. One can only keep themselves worthy of being loved.
Being open to love is important. I can not live my life afraid of getting hurt because eventually I will get hurt. However, the sun does rise in the morning and life does go on. A failed love affair does not stop that. With every passing day the pain is less and one day it just doesn’t hurt anymore. Then finally only the good moments creep into your thoughts.
So this time I move forward not with trepidation but with expectation that something wonderful is around the corner. With the knowledge that it may not last forever but while it is here I will enjoy it to the fullest.
I’ve finally reached that place where I need to grow up. Not that I have been running around behaving like an adolescent. Actually I am a very responsible adult. I am talking about the moment when it hits you that YOU are responsible for YOUR LIFE. It is that moment that when you look down the road and you can actually see. That moment when it is not simply about dealing with the consequences of your decisions but making choices with the consequences in the forefront of your mind.
I realized that I can not make decisions for my life based on how other people may feel. I am the one living the consequences of those decisions. Having others feel uncomfortable about my decisions can not be the deciding factor any longer. Every time I have gone with the choice that would make the other person comfortable I wound up being behind the eight ball. So my life, my choice. I hope they can be on board, but if not hey it’s okay.
Choosing not to allow people to suck the life out me is another big one. When someone makes a decision that I know to be crazy I am learning to allow them to do it. Their sights are fixed, so my job is move out of the way and let them have at it. Sounds cruel? Nah, it is about allowing adults to make adult decisions. I am not there nanny. I will be there to help pick up the pieces (if they want).
So here I am, all grown up. Finally living MY life on MY terms not needing anyone to co-sign or subsidize my choices. I checked. I have on my big girl panties.
It took a while for me to realize that I was still living with and holding on to yesterday. Yesterday’s hopes, dreams, successes, pain, disappointments, goals and reality. See so often I think of yesterday and what I used to be, how I used to act, live, love. You name it I focus on it. I failed to remember that the past has a seductive quality to it. We are all revisionists when it comes to our personal history, both good and bad.
I realized that I have not been able to fully appreciate where I am in my live right now. It is always in comparison to something that used to be or never was. That has proven to be a painful way to live. Life should move forward not stay stagnate. I found myself continuously reflecting on how great things were when I lived down south. I constantly complained about living back up North. However, after almost ten years I am still living here. When I was there I wished I lived back in a big happening city. Never satisfied.
So now I am beginning to live in the here and now. No more wishing things were different. I have to change it if I want it to be different. Sometimes easier said than done. But true nonetheless.