Yup it is a new year and a month into it. How many resolutions have I already broken? None. Because I did not make any this year. No proclamations of dramatic weight loss, extreme personality makeovers, no claims to becoming more altruistic.
I just decided this year to try something new. Every time I think I can’t I am going to simply try. Even if I don’t succeed at the task per se, the trying was the success. Hence, no failures. There will be some I don’t get it right, it is not for me, knocking it out of the park and superstar status.
The resolution is simple, Try it. What can it hurt? I am too grounded to try something that is going to be harmful. But I will expand my horizons and spread my wings. Treasures are often found off the beaten path. So I bought myself a pair of hiking boots.
Change is harder than most of us think. It is seldom about losing the weight or completing school or anything tangible. It is about getting rid of the negative self talk. It just doesn’t seem to really go away. Yes we contain it but we don’t truly get it out of our heads. It is always there lurking around the corners of our psyche.
Even when we have overcome a situation it is our mind that keeps us there. Even if we only visit it every now and again, it is way too often. At times we find ourselves still operating in the old way; not fully embracing the “new” you.
Every new venture I turn to my closest friends and family for support. You know I want them to be on #teamafroditee. But alas they are not really. It is not they don’t want to see my succeed. They just simply want me to succeed on their terms.
With every small business I idea I tried I hit a brick wall with them. For years all I wanted to hear was that you can do it! Instead I received a litany of why I could not and an urging to go take the exam for a municipal job.
So I looked around and none of my ventures had come to fruition. Then it dawned on me. I allowed myself to feel defeated simply because they said it was not possible. I quickly adopted their mindset of my limitations. Not really understanding that those limitations were theirs, not mine. Because I needed so badly to have a support system I kept one that was not one really.
This time around I have a new team. My team consists of people who believe in me and that all this are possible if you are willing to work at it. Their belief that I can answer the challenges goes a long way in me actually finding solutions. Having #teamafroditee makes it all that much simpler. It helps me believe in me. Which in the end is most important.
I was recently in love with a magnificent man. He was everything that fantasies were made of. He was brave and charismatic and dependable and devoted and strong and well you get the idea.
Unfortunately, I was not his fairy tale princess. At some point he decided that our relationship was no longer worth investing in, so he left. Although it felt abrupt I highly doubt that it was. He had been thinking about it for some time and then said goodbye.
As painful as it was I couldn’t stay angry with him. He had never treated me badly or wrongly or hurtful. A real stand up guy. Of course I railed against the Universe for the unfairness of it all. I had waited almost a decade to fall in love again and then to lose it. I refused to accept that sometimes things just end.
As time has moved away from the “incident” I am beginning to see that this was just for a season. This love affair helped me become a stronger person. It taught me that I could love again. But mostly that there are no guarantees in this love thing. One can only keep themselves worthy of being loved.
Being open to love is important. I can not live my life afraid of getting hurt because eventually I will get hurt. However, the sun does rise in the morning and life does go on. A failed love affair does not stop that. With every passing day the pain is less and one day it just doesn’t hurt anymore. Then finally only the good moments creep into your thoughts.
So this time I move forward not with trepidation but with expectation that something wonderful is around the corner. With the knowledge that it may not last forever but while it is here I will enjoy it to the fullest.
I have recently sold a couple of pieces of jewelry lately. It feels good that my latest creative endeavor is appreciated by someone other than myself. Of course these sales lead to a fantasy of being the next great designer. I can see the shelf space at Tiffany’s now.
Unfortunately, this is not my first dip into the “hope this hobby turns into a full-time gig” pool. I get so excited about the possibilities of my new venture that everything else fades into the background. At one point I was so busy making candles that I didn’t even cook for my kids anymore. This was going to be the next big thing. Hmm, I also was going to gain independence through Mary Kay, life insurance, etc. You name it I tried it.
Well no more. This time I am focusing on a real career change with a fairly predictable outcome. So what, if I never have that 15,000 sqft house or high end luxury cars or fantasy vacation. I am going to create a stable life for myself.
But you know, I did just get another jewelry order.
I’ve finally reached that place where I need to grow up. Not that I have been running around behaving like an adolescent. Actually I am a very responsible adult. I am talking about the moment when it hits you that YOU are responsible for YOUR LIFE. It is that moment that when you look down the road and you can actually see. That moment when it is not simply about dealing with the consequences of your decisions but making choices with the consequences in the forefront of your mind.
I realized that I can not make decisions for my life based on how other people may feel. I am the one living the consequences of those decisions. Having others feel uncomfortable about my decisions can not be the deciding factor any longer. Every time I have gone with the choice that would make the other person comfortable I wound up being behind the eight ball. So my life, my choice. I hope they can be on board, but if not hey it’s okay.
Choosing not to allow people to suck the life out me is another big one. When someone makes a decision that I know to be crazy I am learning to allow them to do it. Their sights are fixed, so my job is move out of the way and let them have at it. Sounds cruel? Nah, it is about allowing adults to make adult decisions. I am not there nanny. I will be there to help pick up the pieces (if they want).
So here I am, all grown up. Finally living MY life on MY terms not needing anyone to co-sign or subsidize my choices. I checked. I have on my big girl panties.
It took a while for me to realize that I was still living with and holding on to yesterday. Yesterday’s hopes, dreams, successes, pain, disappointments, goals and reality. See so often I think of yesterday and what I used to be, how I used to act, live, love. You name it I focus on it. I failed to remember that the past has a seductive quality to it. We are all revisionists when it comes to our personal history, both good and bad.
I realized that I have not been able to fully appreciate where I am in my live right now. It is always in comparison to something that used to be or never was. That has proven to be a painful way to live. Life should move forward not stay stagnate. I found myself continuously reflecting on how great things were when I lived down south. I constantly complained about living back up North. However, after almost ten years I am still living here. When I was there I wished I lived back in a big happening city. Never satisfied.
So now I am beginning to live in the here and now. No more wishing things were different. I have to change it if I want it to be different. Sometimes easier said than done. But true nonetheless.